Quotation marks = what was said to me
Italics = what I thought
Red = what I actually said
“You’ve reached Capital One Financial Services. Please select from the following menu. Say the service you need or say other.”
Here we go.
“Pay my bill.”
“Request a new card.”
“Increase my credit limit.”
Does anyone actually work there? How do I get to a real person? No, “0” did not work.
“Change my personal information.”
Oh, maybe that’s it. Change my personal information.
“I didn’t understand you; please try again.”
OK, I realize that I have a mumbling problem. This time, I’ll try it without sipping my coffee. Change my personal information.
“Did you say change my personal information?”
YES. Have you ever noticed that there is NOT an option for closing the account?
“Do you wish to change your personal information?”
“I didn’t understand you. Please try again.”
CHANGE MY PERSONAL INFORMATION!
I’m actually running out of those!
“Please hold while your call is transferred.”
“You’ve chosen to change your personal information. Please select from the following menu. Say the service you need or say other.”
I can’t do this again!
“Change my address. Change my work phone number. Change my home phone number. Change my email …”
Change my address.
“Please hold while you are transferred to an account specialist.”
Is that a person?
“Hello, this is Capital One account specialist Ryan; I understand that you wish to change your mailing address on your account?”
Uh, are you a real person?
(Pause) “Yes, ma’am.”
Actually, I don’t want to change my personal information; I want to close the account and either toss my Capital One card in a blender or chop it up with a butcher knife. (Wait, I should save those ideas for Dave Ramsey’s show.)
“Ma’am, I can’t actually do that for you. I need to transfer you to a senior account executive. Hold please.”
WAIT! Is that a real person?
“Capital One Account Services, senior account executive Jocelle speaking. I understand that you wish to close your account. I’m so sorry that you believe you no longer need our financial services. I need to ask you a few personal questions before we can close the account.”
“First of all, Ms. Ward, why are you leaving us?”
She makes it sound so personal. I’m not going to answer that.
“Are you trying to reduce personal debt?”
I’m not going to answer that.
“Are you still using financial services with other companies?”
Actually, I keep all my cash in a Wal-Mart bag behind the litter box.
Jocelle, was it? I suppose it still is. I’m not going to answer any of your questions. It’s none of your business why I’m closing this account. Now, what do we need to do to make this happen?
“Yes, Ma’am, I understand. It will only take a moment.” (So far, it’s taken 43 minutes.)
“Yes, I completed the transaction for you. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Can you send written confirmation of this?
“You want a document showing that the account is closed?”
I think we are starting to understand each other.
Yes, just address it to L. Skywalker c/o The Litter Box, Planet Earth.
"Is that your spouse's name?"
Only in my fantasy world.
Actually, he’s my Executive Senior Account Manager in charge of Financial Transactions and Dealing With Annoying People.