Monday, September 3, 2012

The Promised Land

She was armed with a yellow measuring tape and a big smile as she intersected me in the huge :) Playtex section.
Did you see Despicable Me? Think Miss Hattie. Sylvia was a short, dark-haired 60ish sales associate.
I was actually trying to slink my way back to the Clearance section at the large department store on the west side of the mall. I just don’t like anyone watching when I’m holding up a lavender bra in front of a three-way mirror.
“It’s free measuring day!” she exclaimed, waving the tape in front of her.
Great, so I can find out for free what I don’t want to know.
When did someone decide to put them on little plastic hangers and hang promise tags on them? Who renamed them “intimates”? When did they start coming in neon colors? You know, Bette Midler had it right: it’s really just a “over the shoulder boulder holder.”
 “I’m good,” I told Sylvia, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t need to be measured; I just want to look around.”
“But if we measure you, you’ll know your perfect bra size,” she said. “We PROMISE to find one that fits you.”
I’ve actually learned to pour out false promises like bitter coffee.
“I know my size; I think I’ll just find a few to try on.”
“But every brand is different,” she insisted. “The sizes vary.”
Then how can I have a “perfect bra size”?    
“That sounds more like a manufacturing issue,” I said, walking quickly toward the red sale signs. “And I recommend that you don’t make promises that you can’t keep.”
“Ok, but call me if you need help. We can fit ANYONE,” she said loudly, waving the tape above her head.
I sifted through the contraptions in their variety of colors, fabric, padding, metal. There are a lot of promises out there; they screamed at me from large, colorful tags.
 “One Smooth U” (Text language?)
“Concealing Petals” (I don’t know either.)
“Amazing LIFT” (Actually, just “good” would be OK.)
“No Pinch Poke Pressure” (Now, that takes the fun out of it.)
“Fall in Luxe with Five-Star Comfort” (Someone rates bras?!)
“Eliminates Back Fat; We’ve Got Your Back” (Two contradicting slogans.)
“Invisible Hardware-free Straps” (I could see them.)
“Elements of Bliss Lift” (“Bliss” is a word I rarely use. Don’t see how it fits here.)
“Youthful Lift and Shape” (The model looked just like the sexy librarian from the Pearle Vision eyeglasses commercial. Yep, just the bra and glasses.)

I bought the one that made the ultimate promise – as seen in the picture below. It doesn’t really matter. When I get home, it’s still the second thing that I’ll take off.

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